Hay

Why can't I be good enough

I tried my best

I did

But it's not enough

My best is not good enough

Yes I know that

I am sorry

I am really really really sorry

I know my flaws

My imperfections 

My mistakes

Each & everyone of them

You didn't have to point them out to me

Why is it that 

Every time I tries to stand up

Every time I tries to get back up

Life will just push me back

Down again

Down onto where I first started

At the bottom

Down onto where I will always remain

At the bottom

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Nope

It fucks you up mentally

Then it will make you stronger

I recovered 

I got better

But somewhere along the way something went wrong

I fell apart again

I got lost again

I am trying so hard

To be happy

To feel happy

But those efforts are failing

And it's killing me

To see something which I spent so much time on

Just get wasted

I feel like a pathetic loser

Like whatever I do will fail

Even if I put in all my efforts

I really wonder how does it feels like 

To feel okay

I am trying so hard to please everyone

Sometimes I am trying so hard

Maybe I tries too hard

That it became futile

Pointless

Meaningless

I really don't know

What to do

Sometimes it gets too 
Too difficult for me to breath
Too difficult for me to see
What have I turn into

Can time rewind

Back to the days

When everything was in place

Before life got

Complicated
Before too many things
Matter

 I am sick

So sick of thinking

So sick of breathing

I don't see 

The purpose of being alive

But I don't have 

Any reasons to die

I get so sad at times

I would just stare

Blankly 

At the wall

Wishing for myself

Not to fall

I know I am not

The perfect daughter

The perfect friend

The perfect student

I can't be 

What everyone wants

Or 

What anyone needs

But believe me

If I could be

I would had been

It hurts that I can't even be

What I want

Or what I need

Because I am not enough

And I won't be enough

And I'll never be close to enough

I am caught between who I really am

And who I want to be

I thought that I was a strong girl

Thought

I guess I wasn't

I never once was one

I seek perfection too much

Sometimes I lost myself

 I am losing myself

In this darkness I created

I am losing myself

In the walls I confined myself to

Maybe I was never that good of a person

To begin with

I didn't mean to ruin everything

I didn't even mean to ruin anything

My thoughts run astray 

They get the better of me at times

No matter how I try to control it

Those monsters in my head 

They just tend 

To overpower me

It's okay if no one understands me

Because I don't understand myself either

I want to be happy

But at the same time I don't

Every time I am happy

Something bad will happen

I have so many thoughts inside me

I'm have no idea

How to express them out

 How to say them out

How to spill them out

So I kept them

All nicely packaged and bottled up

But I know one day
When I keeps too much

The thoughts are going to explode

And I am scared of how that

Is going to turn out

I have nothing left to say to anyone

I have nothing left to say

I have nothing left

I have nothing

Thanks for nothing

Because what that's left of me is

Nothing

I like to think of myself as a cactus

I hurt people 

Who get close to me

This is why I distanced myself out from people
Don't they see

I tune out anyone 

Who tries to get close to me

I am slowly sinking away

Day by day

But yeah it's okay

I am okay

I am always okay