GEMINI SEASON WOOHOO

/blog post supposed to be posted on 3rd June/

Firstly, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUMEDHAAAAAAA. :D Hi my table partner, (although we are separated by the gap in between our tables), thanks for the birthday present!! See lah now I guilty I never buy anything for you, lollol. Nevermind, there's always next year. XD I realized idh any photos with you, OK THIS SUCKS. (note to self: take photo with Sumedha when school reopen)Hmm, I guess I am pretty noisy during lessons, so if you are ever ever irritated, I sincerelyapologize. :( Anyways wah you are damn cute k I swear, the way you laugh & the way you phrase stuff somemore is those naturally cute + blur kind HAHAHA goodgood can attract guys. ;D Looking forward to knowing you better for the next one & a half year! Although this is a belated post, enjoy your day okay. ^_^

Yesterday was Harvey's birthday

OHMYGOD He looks like a freaking mafia godfather here HAHAHAHAHA, & all of us looks like his discipline(?) but that's the only photo I had of him in my phone sobs SO YES WHOOPS SORRY HARVEY, but hey on a lighter tone

HELLO. =D You're one year older! = One year closer to death. >:) K anyways you're most prob not gonna see this luh, bc godness who knows you use your com for what. HAHA JUST KIDDING. Talking to you is actually quite interesting & fun bc you are sick & funny! Oh anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Thanks for the present omg, really touched. :') Hope to get to know you more this year. :)) All the best for your academic results, WORK HARD, PLAY HARD. (words of wisdom from ShuQin da wise. :D) Hope you had enjoyed your birthday as much as I had enjoyed mine! ^_^

Finally, today is my dearest JinYee's birthday!!

Okay I am so sorry I had to use this picture hahaha I remember we had many NGs for this photo but it din turned out to be as nice as we expected bc I look so awkward & you look so awkward & the background is so awkward & the effect is so awkward & BASICALLY THE WHOLE PICTURE IS JUST A W K W A R D.

AHAHAHAHA

Okay putting that aside, thanks for being there for me. :D When I am sad, When I am down, When I am happy. I really appreciate it. For that, thankyou. Let's go out soon k. I really miss going to lunch with you haha. Jiayouuuuus for your o'level. I believe that you can do it. :) You must also believe that you can do it ah; bc when you believe in yourself, 50% of the battle is alr won. Hope you will have the motivation & all the best! Iloveyou. ♥


OVERDUE PHOTOS~

2 qtpiezxc beside me awh.

Debate Fest! :3

Sarbinananana.

Short Update :-)

Your body is made of the same elements that lionesses are built from. Three quarters of you is the same kind of water that beats rocks to rubble, wear stones away. Your DNA translates into the same twenty amino acids that wolf genes code for. When you look in the mirror and feel weak, remember, the air you breathe in fuels forest fires capable of destroying everything the touch. On the days you feel ugly, remember, diamonds are only carbon. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE.

This space feels so dead. Sighhs. Will be blogging more frequently I hope. Although I have no idea what to write about, haha. Currently busy with school work and the talent time practices. There's 8 test this week omg?!    

On a side note,

29 more days to EOY

Okay really got to buck up & start working hard!! Although that's what I will say every time there's a major exam, I would always end up not following it. Meh. Kk so life's kind of alright for me I guess. Lewl actually no I am having this "sian", "bochip", "dkdc" phrase nowadays because of some unhappy stuff that happened which sort of hurt me but although I am sad now, I believe I will get better. /keeping the faith/

I AM BARELY ALIVE 

BUT I AM STILL BREATHING

Your words cut like knifes, & I am the one who bled.

//this post was supposed to be up on 3rd August//

Omg it's been so long since I last blogged, around one month plus, & I really felt the need to update this dead space! Haha okay so yep HELLO GUYS. Guess whose back?! :D Blogging via my phone right now which is kind of ironic because I once swore not to use my bgger app ever again (ever since it deleted my 1st June post), oh well. My thinking changes as time flies. Haha! 

July had been a roller coaster ride for me, it's an eventful month filled with laughter, sadness, tears, joy, & emotions. I experienced lots of things, & learnt plenty of stuff. I accepted myself for who I was & taught myself how to be stronger. July is the month where I found out that no matter what happens, life goes on. 

It was a stressful but meaningful month for me. I was kept busy almost every single day, having to juggle between cca and studies. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed this journey, & it's a pity this journey is over. 

Now it's time for another ride & the destination is my EOY exam. Ohmygod. This ride is going pretty fast & somehow I always lost track of time. But I believe I will be strong enough to survive this exhilarating ride WHICH IS GOING TOO FAST FOR ME.

Okay deep thoughts aside, I am sososo busy I sometimes wonder if I would forget how to breath. Haha no mayter how long I sleep I would still be sleepy one siah! Wah frustrating. I am always short of time. Sighhs. I wish I can buy extra time, like an hour or two. 

Kk alright guys, till then. xoxo 

 If we ever meet again.

Hay

Why can't I be good enough

I tried my best

I did

But it's not enough

My best is not good enough

Yes I know that

I am sorry

I am really really really sorry

I know my flaws

My imperfections 

My mistakes

Each & everyone of them

You didn't have to point them out to me

Why is it that 

Every time I tries to stand up

Every time I tries to get back up

Life will just push me back

Down again

Down onto where I first started

At the bottom

Down onto where I will always remain

At the bottom

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Nope

It fucks you up mentally

Then it will make you stronger

I recovered 

I got better

But somewhere along the way something went wrong

I fell apart again

I got lost again

I am trying so hard

To be happy

To feel happy

But those efforts are failing

And it's killing me

To see something which I spent so much time on

Just get wasted

I feel like a pathetic loser

Like whatever I do will fail

Even if I put in all my efforts

I really wonder how does it feels like 

To feel okay

I am trying so hard to please everyone

Sometimes I am trying so hard

Maybe I tries too hard

That it became futile

Pointless

Meaningless

I really don't know

What to do

Sometimes it gets too 
Too difficult for me to breath
Too difficult for me to see
What have I turn into

Can time rewind

Back to the days

When everything was in place

Before life got

Complicated
Before too many things
Matter

 I am sick

So sick of thinking

So sick of breathing

I don't see 

The purpose of being alive

But I don't have 

Any reasons to die

I get so sad at times

I would just stare

Blankly 

At the wall

Wishing for myself

Not to fall

I know I am not

The perfect daughter

The perfect friend

The perfect student

I can't be 

What everyone wants

Or 

What anyone needs

But believe me

If I could be

I would had been

It hurts that I can't even be

What I want

Or what I need

Because I am not enough

And I won't be enough

And I'll never be close to enough

I am caught between who I really am

And who I want to be

I thought that I was a strong girl

Thought

I guess I wasn't

I never once was one

I seek perfection too much

Sometimes I lost myself

 I am losing myself

In this darkness I created

I am losing myself

In the walls I confined myself to

Maybe I was never that good of a person

To begin with

I didn't mean to ruin everything

I didn't even mean to ruin anything

My thoughts run astray 

They get the better of me at times

No matter how I try to control it

Those monsters in my head 

They just tend 

To overpower me

It's okay if no one understands me

Because I don't understand myself either

I want to be happy

But at the same time I don't

Every time I am happy

Something bad will happen

I have so many thoughts inside me

I'm have no idea

How to express them out

 How to say them out

How to spill them out

So I kept them

All nicely packaged and bottled up

But I know one day
When I keeps too much

The thoughts are going to explode

And I am scared of how that

Is going to turn out

I have nothing left to say to anyone

I have nothing left to say

I have nothing left

I have nothing

Thanks for nothing

Because what that's left of me is

Nothing

I like to think of myself as a cactus

I hurt people 

Who get close to me

This is why I distanced myself out from people
Don't they see

I tune out anyone 

Who tries to get close to me

I am slowly sinking away

Day by day

But yeah it's okay

I am okay

I am always okay

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretended to be

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY. :-) 

Although I am like one day late but aiyah it's the thought that counts right!!! Okay so nothing much happened today except that I brought/got(??) a new lappy! Yay. The only reason why I like it is because the light emitted from the mouse is pink. HAHAHA. Btw I cut my side fringe into side bangs so now I look like a ballish round face derpina boohoo.

It's currently 1.34am right now & it's just one of those nights I sit at my desk & start thinking about lifeeee haha for example it is scary that your whole adult life depends on how well you do as a teenager. I mean come on, whatever we teenagers are doing now we do not look into the far run because face it, most teeangers are materialistic, we do things often for our own short term gain & we do not really care about the future consequences. Here's just my two cents lol ok please don't shot me. Speaking of this, I realized I have not talk about the absurd grooming check rules my school have because of the new VP whoops okay that post will be up soon promised. :)

K actually right now I am thinking about what should I eat or wear or do tomorrow hahahahahahaha because it's Sunday which is equivalent to Tuition Day & that means seeing my friends but it also mean I have to choose my outfit of the day & honestly even though I enjoy getting out of my house it is having to pick what to wear for the day which frustrates me out because as people can see my fashion sense is not exactly the best & I really dislike wearing the same outfit twice! Ahahaha.

Putting that aside, I just wanna take this post to thank my friends like idk ley I just suddenly feel damn bless to have friends who really cares about me and yeah I know I should stop being so selfish and spare a thought for them who is most prob worried about me & to look forward to the good things in life instead of dwelling on things from the past and etc meh not going to preach here.

But nevertheless I am honestly touched when I start receiving notes/letters/messages from friends giving me advice on my... condition & spurring me on in life. Yeah I am truly grateful because it's not just the fact that they took time off to write me a card or text me a message, be it how short or how long, it is the fact that somehow it makes me feel secured that at least I came across somebody's mind; even if it's just for a minute.

I did not really take time off to express how grateful I am to have friends like you all in my life, but one day I will. I appreciated everyone who care for me & all the same gestures people do it just gives me hope because although it's the big things which counts, it's the small things which matters. Idk haha I just really like to observe people & even if it's unintentional, sometimes the things people do just makes me feel blessed. Just to let you guys know I am recovering I guess haha, thanks for bearing with my pms-ness & the ugly scars on me & my retarded character & my weird personality & I still love each and everyone of you sfm. I am currently 3 days clean woohoo I know it's nothing much but still it's a small accomplishment so I shall just keep this up.

To people out there who feel like people come to them only when they need something, just remember this:
Don't feel sad when people remembers you only if they need something,
Just tell yourself that you're a candle which comes to their mind when there's darkness.

Alright idk what else to type here so I shall just start a new post on my happenings in July & upload pictures because everyone likes looking at pictures (right..?!) huehue I shall continue living in my own world then goodnight xoxo

We break promises

Memories break us 

Change is constant, but it is something I am better off without.

Warning: Long Post.

Currently feeling really really confused & my blog shall be my ranting buddy, for the day. In the future if any of my family member happens to stumbled upon this blog, maybe they would understand how frustrated I feel right now.

As many people would have already know, I cut. Yes I know it's unhealthy, but it's a mental sickness that is difficult to get rid of. They aren't just scars, they're what I've overcome, they're lonely nights, they're insults, they're insecurities, they're emotions.

I don't like telling people that I cut, or the reason why I cut, because I am afraid of being labelled as an attention seeker. I am still afraid of being called an attention seeker now... so yeah. The reason why I am writing this blog post right now is because I don't have any other platform for me to express out what I am feeling right now. My insecurities had turned me into this person whom idek anymore. I became a girl who is paranoid of everyone, I don't trust people anymore. I shut myself out to the rest of the world, but I get angry when people don't care. This in turn led me to be an unhappy person, someone who gets irritated at small stuff. 

I am still all that is above now, the only difference is. I don't show it out. I never once did. Haha. I think nobody knows what I am feeling or thinking inside... Yeah I know it is impossible to know what other people is thinking, but you would be able to guess their feelings from their facial expressions or actions. For me, I tend to hide my emotions. Like I got so used to being "happy" all the time I didn't know what it feels like to be sad.

Until maybe in the middle of the night, when everything would just come crashing down on me. Sometimes I really hope I am strong enough to stop smiling all the time... like tell others that I am irritated or unhappy with them. But no, I can't bring myself to do it. Even if it's not my fault, I would end up being the one apologizing.

I say sorry way too much.
"Sorry", when someone bumps into me
"Sorry", when I don't do what someone else wants
"Sorry", when I do what I want

Sorry, for saying sorry.

In Primary 6, I had a classmate who cuts herself using her nails. At that point of time it was like a very "in" thing lah, I thought it //would be// cool so I pinched myself till I bleed. My arms were filled with nail marks. My mum thought it was bed bugs in this giant plushie I hugged to sleep which caused me to have insects bites on my arm & she threw the plushie away.

That's when I found out how stupid cutting is, because it involves hurting innocent people (ok I meant innocent stuff toys but yes you get the idea) & I don't understand why do people cut.

But I understand it now.

In Sec One, I got a hate club created against me & that triggered my cutting. Those scars on my arms. Well that is because of the hate club. Yeah different scars contains different memories. :-) Although the hate club triggered it, I didn't continue because of it. There is a difference between trigger point & the reasons for continuing. There's many reasons as to why I continued. Now the creators of the hate club are getting hate by my cohort way more than I do... But no that's not the point. During that time, it wasn't very serious. Like perhaps a monthly thing, or lesser than that. It went all the way till Sec 2 MYE, when I had counselling for my poor results. The counselor found out about my cutting and I got urge to stop. Yes I did stop, but the truth is, I never once stopped. I just stopped showing it.

On a side note: No my results did not get better because of counselling. It was because I made it a daily habit to sleep at 10pm & wake up at 3am to study.

In beginning of Sec 3, it got serious. The wounds got deeper, it became more & more regularly. But I got myself together, I stopped for two months. On June 28, that's when it really begin.., this time it was real. It was no longer just one or two cuts. It would be up to ten cuts at one go. It got worse & worse, till the point where it won't stop bleeding. Then I got bolder, I stopped cutting my arms. I begin cutting my wrist, my legs. This time round, I cut with whatever I can lay my hands on. Penknife, Ruler, Earrings, Nail Cutter. Yeah whatever sharp thing you can think of, I would have used it.

Then my teacher found out & I was send for counselling.

I hate counselling. I do not see the need to tell an outsider what I am feeling, or what is bothering me. I do not even tell my close friends my problems, much less why would I tell such a random person who expects me to tell them my problems just because they call themselves "counselors". I don't trust anyone, & I don't wish to trust anyone.

The counselor informed my family that I cut, & that's when everything starts going downhill. Those stuff I typed on top is just factors leading me to type this post. Now this is the real post.

I dislike going home. Home is where I am supposed to be cozy and comfortable and it should be filled with warmth and I would be able to talk freely and tell them my problems and stuff. But this is not the case right now.. 

My relatives. Idk why are they so nosy and bossy and insensitive and retarded and fuckup. I grew up with the mentality that I am fat & stupid & useless. I still have that mentality now. Adults have no fucking idea what ones say can stay in a child's mind. I was only in primary school when everyday I am hurled with statements bringing me down. I know it's just a passing statement.... but. It still hurts. You know?? Haha. This is the reason why I dislike it when there's family gathering with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I get insecure when there's a big crowd of adults because all I can ever think of is that I would get insulted, like how I get insulted all the time in the past.

At least what my family can do is back me up, but well no they would just laugh or add on to the insult or leave me to counter those statement or compare me to other people..... it just hurts. 

My mum have high expectations of me in the past, I would get cane and scolded a lot. I have limited freedom like I would not be able to go out & I am confined only by the four walls of my house. But you know, the stricter you get with a child, the more they would rebel. Plus I was pretty young at that time so maybe that's why I became so defiance. I know my siblings have it worse in the past but at least they should just stfu & not make things worse. Although my mum stopped it long ago but it is difficult to change my impression towards her right now. I got embarrassed a lot when I was younger.. like I once had a memory of public canning. & the memory of it sucks. I get scolded a lot in public also. In front of relatives, friends, teachers. It's like I know parents should control their child but public scolding..... it was really unnecessary. Do my mum even know how traumatizing it would be considering the tender age. 

In Primary Four, I was in Chinese Dance. Haha. I sprained my ankle & despite several attempts to get my parents to bring me to the doctor, they would just be too busy or too lazy. I eventually give up. 

It was not only this incident. I had ingrown toenail in Sec Two. At first I didn't know, but my toe would hurt a lot a lot when I walk or wear shoes & everyday (like really, everyday) at the end of the day when I remove my school socks, there would be blood & pus on the sock. I did complain to them but they would just brush it off like it is just a small matter. They didn't even bother finding out what happen to it, or even look at it. They just didn't care. My CCA mates cared way more fucking much then my parents ever do. Every CCA day they would look at my toe & asked me if I was getting better. Even Andrea's mum who is not related to me volunteered to bring me to the doctor & pay for my fees.

Until when the whole toe started freaking swelling up then my mum brought me to the paramedic at NTUC but the nurse there said it was because I hit my toe against the wall & it is nothing much because it will heal by itself. I got scolded for making a fuss out of nothing, like what the fuck please. //reasons why I dislike my family// I didn't even know it was ingrown toenail till I went & see the paramedic at Guardian ON MY OWN, (because I didn't had money to see the doctor) then I found out that it was ingrown toenail. I required three injections & my toenail was plucked out. Small matter, huh?

In Sec One, Huiru jokingly wrote me a "slave contract" & I swear it was purely for fun plus I wasn't even angry. My mum found out & she flared up & demand for her mum number to talk it out. My sister have to nicely nicely extra at that time & butt in, chiding me for playing "this kind of game" with my friend. My friendship with Huiru got a bit stained & it's all my mum & sister fucking fault.

Then in Sec Two my sister would look through my phone & see whether I have friends with bad influence. It was really.... At that point of time I really despite my family. I think they are damn bitch and low and dog to doubt the friends I make. Because as far as concern, all my friends are well mannered and nice people.

They are like the reason why I became so paranoid and insecure. I cannot stand it when my family member touch me, because I will always think that they would hit me. I could never talk properly to my family member without getting irritated because I would just feel that they are against me.

I guess I am scared of my family. To me, I had always wanted a family which I can tell my problems to, one which would be proud of me. In Primary School, I would always try to talk to them but I would end up getting ignored... Like I tell them jokes or anything or even when I score high marks for tests then I tell them, they just don't care. I wouldn't even get angry when they insult me, instead I would just laugh along with them. I try to please them, I tried so hard to please them that in the midst of that, I lost myself. I was never once praised. During family dinner when I try & make plans everyone would either be too busy or too lazy to care. Only when my results start deproving then I would get the attention I had always crave for. I had always dream of having family outings together (we never once had any before), but that dream is way past dead right now. 

In Lower Secondary, I stopped trying. I gave up. Although I still had the dream, Primary Six was the last straw of me putting in efforts to make my dream come true. We rarely talk much now. The only time we would talk is like when they ask me what do I want to eat. I don't even bother trying anymore. That was the me in Primary School & Lower Secondary, the one who try to please the whole fucking family. Not saying I had matured a lot but if they expect to have the old me back in this family well nope fat hope.

The situation right now is my parents pressurize me every damn time they see my cuts. They want me to tell them what's wrong, what do I want them to do, & they kept asking me in what way should they change so I would be satisfied with them. Do they understand I wanted a happy family... not a perfect one. I don't mind have arguments and shouting matches and cold wars when at the end of the day I am still happy in it... 

I really dislike this family & I know it should be this way but it's difficult to change don't they know I am already scared of this home and no matter how much they change, things won't be back the way it was before. I guess I am selfish because I won't return their care & concern they have for me right now. But maybe it's because they didn't returned it when I was younger. Since I had once changed my thinking for this family, I am too lazy to be bother & change my thinking back to the old me. The hopes I had for this family was already long gone. I can dare say that it is impossible for me to have back the feeling I had towards this family in the past, because if I can. I wouldn't. :-)

Life is like a balloon.

If you never let the balloon go, you will never know how far it can rise.

But right now this balloon is currently stuck.

Oh.