Warning: Long Post.
Currently feeling really really confused & my blog shall be my ranting buddy, for the day. In the future if any of my family member happens to stumbled upon this blog, maybe they would understand how frustrated I feel right now.
As many people would have already know, I cut. Yes I know it's unhealthy, but it's a mental sickness that is difficult to get rid of. They aren't just scars, they're what I've overcome, they're lonely nights, they're insults, they're insecurities, they're emotions.
I don't like telling people that I cut, or the reason why I cut, because I am afraid of being labelled as an attention seeker. I am still afraid of being called an attention seeker now... so yeah. The reason why I am writing this blog post right now is because I don't have any other platform for me to express out what I am feeling right now. My insecurities had turned me into this person whom idek anymore. I became a girl who is paranoid of everyone, I don't trust people anymore. I shut myself out to the rest of the world, but I get angry when people don't care. This in turn led me to be an unhappy person, someone who gets irritated at small stuff.
I am still all that is above now, the only difference is. I don't show it out. I never once did. Haha. I think nobody knows what I am feeling or thinking inside... Yeah I know it is impossible to know what other people is thinking, but you would be able to guess their feelings from their facial expressions or actions. For me, I tend to hide my emotions. Like I got so used to being "happy" all the time I didn't know what it feels like to be sad.
Until maybe in the middle of the night, when everything would just come crashing down on me. Sometimes I really hope I am strong enough to stop smiling all the time... like tell others that I am irritated or unhappy with them. But no, I can't bring myself to do it. Even if it's not my fault, I would end up being the one apologizing.
I say sorry way too much.
"Sorry", when someone bumps into me
"Sorry", when I don't do what someone else wants
"Sorry", when I do what I want
Sorry, for saying sorry.
In Primary 6, I had a classmate who cuts herself using her nails. At that point of time it was like a very "in" thing lah, I thought it //would be// cool so I pinched myself till I bleed. My arms were filled with nail marks. My mum thought it was bed bugs in this giant plushie I hugged to sleep which caused me to have insects bites on my arm & she threw the plushie away.
That's when I found out how stupid cutting is, because it involves hurting innocent people (ok I meant innocent stuff toys but yes you get the idea) & I don't understand why do people cut.
But I understand it now.
In Sec One, I got a hate club created against me & that triggered my cutting. Those scars on my arms. Well that is because of the hate club. Yeah different scars contains different memories. :-) Although the hate club triggered it, I didn't continue because of it. There is a difference between trigger point & the reasons for continuing. There's many reasons as to why I continued. Now the creators of the hate club are getting hate by my cohort way more than I do... But no that's not the point. During that time, it wasn't very serious. Like perhaps a monthly thing, or lesser than that. It went all the way till Sec 2 MYE, when I had counselling for my poor results. The counselor found out about my cutting and I got urge to stop. Yes I did stop, but the truth is, I never once stopped. I just stopped showing it.
On a side note: No my results did not get better because of counselling. It was because I made it a daily habit to sleep at 10pm & wake up at 3am to study.
In beginning of Sec 3, it got serious. The wounds got deeper, it became more & more regularly. But I got myself together, I stopped for two months. On June 28, that's when it really begin.., this time it was real. It was no longer just one or two cuts. It would be up to ten cuts at one go. It got worse & worse, till the point where it won't stop bleeding. Then I got bolder, I stopped cutting my arms. I begin cutting my wrist, my legs. This time round, I cut with whatever I can lay my hands on. Penknife, Ruler, Earrings, Nail Cutter. Yeah whatever sharp thing you can think of, I would have used it.
Then my teacher found out & I was send for counselling.
I hate counselling. I do not see the need to tell an outsider what I am feeling, or what is bothering me. I do not even tell my close friends my problems, much less why would I tell such a random person who expects me to tell them my problems just because they call themselves "counselors". I don't trust anyone, & I don't wish to trust anyone.
The counselor informed my family that I cut, & that's when everything starts going downhill. Those stuff I typed on top is just factors leading me to type this post. Now this is the real post.
I dislike going home. Home is where I am supposed to be cozy and comfortable and it should be filled with warmth and I would be able to talk freely and tell them my problems and stuff. But this is not the case right now..
My relatives. Idk why are they so nosy and bossy and insensitive and retarded and fuckup. I grew up with the mentality that I am fat & stupid & useless. I still have that mentality now. Adults have no fucking idea what ones say can stay in a child's mind. I was only in primary school when everyday I am hurled with statements bringing me down. I know it's just a passing statement.... but. It still hurts. You know?? Haha. This is the reason why I dislike it when there's family gathering with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I get insecure when there's a big crowd of adults because all I can ever think of is that I would get insulted, like how I get insulted all the time in the past.
At least what my family can do is back me up, but well no they would just laugh or add on to the insult or leave me to counter those statement or compare me to other people..... it just hurts.
My mum have high expectations of me in the past, I would get cane and scolded a lot. I have limited freedom like I would not be able to go out & I am confined only by the four walls of my house. But you know, the stricter you get with a child, the more they would rebel. Plus I was pretty young at that time so maybe that's why I became so defiance. I know my siblings have it worse in the past but at least they should just stfu & not make things worse. Although my mum stopped it long ago but it is difficult to change my impression towards her right now. I got embarrassed a lot when I was younger.. like I once had a memory of public canning. & the memory of it sucks. I get scolded a lot in public also. In front of relatives, friends, teachers. It's like I know parents should control their child but public scolding..... it was really unnecessary. Do my mum even know how traumatizing it would be considering the tender age.
In Primary Four, I was in Chinese Dance. Haha. I sprained my ankle & despite several attempts to get my parents to bring me to the doctor, they would just be too busy or too lazy. I eventually give up.
It was not only this incident. I had ingrown toenail in Sec Two. At first I didn't know, but my toe would hurt a lot a lot when I walk or wear shoes & everyday (like really, everyday) at the end of the day when I remove my school socks, there would be blood & pus on the sock. I did complain to them but they would just brush it off like it is just a small matter. They didn't even bother finding out what happen to it, or even look at it. They just didn't care. My CCA mates cared way more fucking much then my parents ever do. Every CCA day they would look at my toe & asked me if I was getting better. Even Andrea's mum who is not related to me volunteered to bring me to the doctor & pay for my fees.
Until when the whole toe started freaking swelling up then my mum brought me to the paramedic at NTUC but the nurse there said it was because I hit my toe against the wall & it is nothing much because it will heal by itself. I got scolded for making a fuss out of nothing, like what the fuck please. //reasons why I dislike my family// I didn't even know it was ingrown toenail till I went & see the paramedic at Guardian ON MY OWN, (because I didn't had money to see the doctor) then I found out that it was ingrown toenail. I required three injections & my toenail was plucked out. Small matter, huh?
In Sec One, Huiru jokingly wrote me a "slave contract" & I swear it was purely for fun plus I wasn't even angry. My mum found out & she flared up & demand for her mum number to talk it out. My sister have to nicely nicely extra at that time & butt in, chiding me for playing "this kind of game" with my friend. My friendship with Huiru got a bit stained & it's all my mum & sister fucking fault.
Then in Sec Two my sister would look through my phone & see whether I have friends with bad influence. It was really.... At that point of time I really despite my family. I think they are damn bitch and low and dog to doubt the friends I make. Because as far as concern, all my friends are well mannered and nice people.
They are like the reason why I became so paranoid and insecure. I cannot stand it when my family member touch me, because I will always think that they would hit me. I could never talk properly to my family member without getting irritated because I would just feel that they are against me.
I guess I am scared of my family. To me, I had always wanted a family which I can tell my problems to, one which would be proud of me. In Primary School, I would always try to talk to them but I would end up getting ignored... Like I tell them jokes or anything or even when I score high marks for tests then I tell them, they just don't care. I wouldn't even get angry when they insult me, instead I would just laugh along with them. I try to please them, I tried so hard to please them that in the midst of that, I lost myself. I was never once praised. During family dinner when I try & make plans everyone would either be too busy or too lazy to care. Only when my results start deproving then I would get the attention I had always crave for. I had always dream of having family outings together (we never once had any before), but that dream is way past dead right now.
In Lower Secondary, I stopped trying. I gave up. Although I still had the dream, Primary Six was the last straw of me putting in efforts to make my dream come true. We rarely talk much now. The only time we would talk is like when they ask me what do I want to eat. I don't even bother trying anymore. That was the me in Primary School & Lower Secondary, the one who try to please the whole fucking family. Not saying I had matured a lot but if they expect to have the old me back in this family well nope fat hope.
The situation right now is my parents pressurize me every damn time they see my cuts. They want me to tell them what's wrong, what do I want them to do, & they kept asking me in what way should they change so I would be satisfied with them. Do they understand I wanted a happy family... not a perfect one. I don't mind have arguments and shouting matches and cold wars when at the end of the day I am still happy in it...
I really dislike this family & I know it should be this way but it's difficult to change don't they know I am already scared of this home and no matter how much they change, things won't be back the way it was before. I guess I am selfish because I won't return their care & concern they have for me right now. But maybe it's because they didn't returned it when I was younger. Since I had once changed my thinking for this family, I am too lazy to be bother & change my thinking back to the old me. The hopes I had for this family was already long gone. I can dare say that it is impossible for me to have back the feeling I had towards this family in the past, because if I can. I wouldn't. :-)
Life is like a balloon.
If you never let the balloon go, you will never know how far it can rise.
But right now this balloon is currently stuck.
Oh.
No comments:
Post a Comment