I hate you why are guys so lame

So yea, it's just one of those nights where everything come rushing in at once. Those nights when bad thoughts, bad feelings, horrible flashbacks, horrible memories, the inevitable things all come bombing in.

I miss you so bad, but at the same time. I swear I hate you so damn much too. If you're gonna start talking to me, obviously I'm gonna get attached to you. Why the hell is it so easy for people to walk in & out of my life whenever the heck they wish to. Do you think I wanna be attracted to you? Lol no. But idek how it began, how it started. But I just did. Don't bloody start a convo & leave me hanging. Like it was nothing, like I was nothing. Like we were nothing. Thanks for walking out of my life, right after you walk right into it. If you aren't gonna complete what you started my dear, what for start it in the first place?

Is it because I am that easy for everyone to leave whenever they feel like it? Or is it because I am a perfect spare tire, whom everyone talks to when they're bored? Or maybe is it because I am always there for everyone?, sending everyone notes, the homework list, helping everyone do stuff, being the punching bag whenever you all want me to?

I am tired. Tired of caring, sometimes it's hard to be everyone's "friend" you know. Not claiming that I am popular, but it's hard. Really hard. No one will ask you to hang out because they always assume that you are with someone else, it's difficult. Difficult to be the person who knows everybody, but is friends with nobody. I am idiotic enough to think that you would feel guilty over this. Feel as horrible as what I felt. Silly me, obviously you didn't. A close friend of mine once said, "When you wanna gain something, you will have to lose something." What if I am selfish? I don't want to lose anything. But now, I truly understand. I see the bigger picture. I wss given a chance, but I lost it.

Damn, what a fool I was. I could have treasured it. But I didn't. Regretting can't do anything now. I just can't stand seeing people get hurt, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter how badly people treat, people insult, people play me, I will always be the one giving in. Because I am Ms Nice. I am always Ms Nice.

Adey said, Ms Nasty will live with guit for the rest of her life. Perhaps that's the reason why I can't be Ms Nasty, it's better for me to accept some facts, smile & pretend everything is alright, that nothing is hurting me. But is it possible for me to have a second chance, a second chance to make everything right again? & this time, I am never ever giving it up.

"Envious?" Yup, perhaps I am. On a harsher tone. Jealous. Jealousy, it is unavoidable, this little green monster sets out to kill a little of everyone, everyday. How can you get rid of this monster? Problem is you can't. Just like those monsters under your bed, those demons in your heart, those voices in your mind. You have to learn to live with it. That's what I am doing now. I wish that I can be truly happy, for once.

Am I happy? Somehow, I guess I am. I go to a school I am proud to be in. I have friends of different personalities. I go out with people. I tell jokes, I laugh at things. But at night, when the voices start whispering all sorts of things to me. This is when I start thinking. Am I truly that happy? Those nights where I just lie on my bed & question everything I ever had. Do I even deserve to be happy? There is always this horrible, useless, unwanted feeling I have in my stomacg, & it sicken me to the core. No matter how much I laugh or smile or joke about life in the day, all these empitiness of what I hid during the day would come crashing down at me at 3am in the night. & all I could do is to think about all those chances I wasted, all the things I could have done, all the stuff I could have say. But all I do is replaying those conversations in my head, & making up perfect scenarios that would never happen.

Sometimes we’re lonely,
sometimes we’re down,
Our feelings are obvious,
they’re right in our frown.

We don’t want to talk,
or sit and explain,
Nobody would like it,
if they felt the same pain.

Guess what? ZhengDong made this poem for me. (Okay not exactly, it was more of for his friend but urm I was sad too thus yea he sorta of dedicated it to me) It's nice to see people caring. Thanks for caring. Yeap Ethan, Gordon, Huiru. I promise to be okay. Iwill be okay.

"come back soon @iamshuqin"

Yeah I am coming back soon.

I wish my soul will come back soon too.